


Love

by talea



Series: Definitions [4]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Death, Feels, Fighting, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, James and Laf need a punch and then a medal, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Relationship Discussions, it's a little complicated, mention of miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 12:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10786389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talea/pseuds/talea
Summary: «[n.] warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion»





	Love

**Author's Note:**

> I could f i n a l l y finish it!  
> I had no time at all in the last months and today the day arrived!

_»warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion«_

 

 **Gilbert [08:20 pm]** : Thomas c'est quoi ce bordel?

 **Gilbert [08:21 pm]** : répondre enfoiré

 **Gilbert [10:43 pm]** : Thomas you've seen my messages. Answer me.

 **Gilbert [11:31 pm]** : Thomas I'm sorry I was rude

 **Gilbert [11:52 pm]** : Mon cher please I'm worried

 

Thomas woke up on the kitchen floor, uncomfortably curled into himself with his arms tucked under his head. The mellow morning light was streaming in through the window and he blinked against the brightness.

Thomas slowly sat up and stretched, his back popped in an unsatisfying way and his neck was stiff. He gripped the countertop and raised to his feet, dragging a hand through his face, then gripped his phone from the kitchen island.

He quickly skimmed through the messages he missed, cringed a little at Gilbert's. He tried to think of an answer, began to type a few times but gave up eventually and dragged himself to the bathroom where he leaned onto the sink.

He still felt dizzy and when he looked at himself he immediately closed his eyes again. Blindly he groped for the tap and heard the water coming out. He splashed some of it into his face before risking another look into the mirror.

The bags under his eyes had an unhealthy looking colour and his hair was hanging down next to his head, gravitating towards the earth instead of being the usual fluffy cloud around his head.

His hair looked _sad_.

That thought made him snicker humorlessly which devolved into a maniac laughter until the muscles in his stomach felt sore and he could finally stop.

His breathing slowed down a little and he washed his face, focused on the mirror. His chest was tight and his heart positively _ached_.

-

Thomas went to work normally again. He couldn't just skip because of some personal issues.

He and Alexander didn't talk anymore, they were suddenly very distant again, even more than before and it was like every connection that they had never existed.

Thomas brought coffee to his office a week later when he arrived earlier. A little sticky note saying motivational words. He did the same thing the next day, but the cup from before was still standing on the wooden desk, untouched and cold. Thomas took both of the cups with him and didn't try again.

While Alex acted like the two of them had never met in the first weeks, as time passed he began arguing everything Thomas said again. The teasing way was gone and it somehow pained Thomas even more than being ignored.

Another thing came clear to Thomas. James was the best friend he could've ever asked for.

While Gilbert stayed with Hamilton and after they learned about what happened in Alex perspective there was a rapid change in their behavior. They were still polite and kind, but somehow colder than before. They stop to talk to him and didn't invite him on a weekly basis anymore. Thomas had seen them talking to James a few times but nothing more.

Alexander himself was avoiding him.

In the meetings, he was aggressive and pushing both of them but outside of these encounters he was instantly turning into a different direction when he saw Thomas.

James was an actual saint. He stayed with Thomas mostly and held him back from any alcohol which worked like a magnet on him sometimes. His best friend didn't tell him to get Alex back. He didn't tell him to date somebody else and forget about him. He told Thomas to be happy in any way. He always had.

When he first said the words Thomas had yelled at him, it was shortly after Martha's death and he needed time to clean and bandage his wounds.

He was angry, thought that James didn't understand anything. He ended up searching for happiness, had to accept that James was right.

He couldn't stop the pain but he could ease it in some ways. Alex had been a good way. Better than any medicine or any drinks. It was like his hands had been blessed and healed Thomas scars with a simple touch.

Thomas wrote it down because it was all he could do.

-

He realized that one of those notes were missing when it was too late. Hamilton was speaking, proposing a new - completely stupid - idea, rapidly flicking through the pages of his binder, before suddenly stilling in his movements, his eyes skimmed the document in front of him, eyebrows drawn together in confusion, before ripping the page out and holding it up.

"What the fuck, Jefferson?", he spat out.

In a moment of horror, Thomas realized what it was. There was only one person that knew about those papers and as he turned around to look at him, James looked at him, nearly pleading and right next to him there was Gilbert, having the expression on his face. He looked between them ones more.

"Do you even have a clue", Alex started, "how it feels to lose a loved one like that? Do you have any _fucking_ right to say something like that?"

His voice was slightly raised and trembling just like his fingers that tightly gripped the sheet.

"Of course I do", Thomas gave back. He was too calm, this couldn't be happening.

"Uh-huh, sure, tell us your sob story as well, why don't you?", Hamilton's voice was sarcastic and cruel and Thomas couldn't hold back.

"Oh, how about the moment my wife died? Or my mother? Or my daughter?" There was silence. It was a drowning feeling and Thomas mind was fuzzy. He had to calm down. His emotions were swirling like a storm and suddenly he could clearly understand Alex' fear of raging winds and rain.

He could hear how Washington cleared his throat and asked everyone to leave somewhere behind the fog. He realized that everyone stared at them, still, he couldn't break the eye contact with Hamilton who needed a moment to recover before lashing out again: "Well, what am I supposed to do if you never even tell me about something like that? I am no mind reader!"

"Neither am I!", Thomas yelled back. "You _begged_ me to shag you, I asked a hundred times!" And, quieter, before Alex could come up with anything: "And also I couldn't tell you because I'm not thinking about this anymore. It's the past."

"So this is our little self-help group? Am I your little charity case? Do you think you could _heal_ me? Ha!"

Thomas heart sunk in his chest. "I couldn't tell you because you would react like this." Silence. Drowning. Numb. "Maybe you think this is all about you and well, maybe it even is. I fell so hard for you. After I heard what happened, but not because of your dead boyfriend. I know how it is to be pitied. I feel many things for you, Alexander, so many, but pity is never one of them."

Something in Alex' eyes changed and slowly he moved his hands over his mouth, choking out a "Jesus".

They stood there in silence again, avoiding each other's eyes. "Would you take me back? I don't know where to start apologizing, fuck.", Alex said.

"Then I start. I'm sorry for keeping the whole thing a secret. I was frightened shitless. I'm sorry for fucking up the communication part." Alex looked at him like he had just seen a ghost. Then his mouth started moving incredibly fast, bringing out everything he thought.

"We have to take this slower", he ended. "But I want to know everything from your past, every secret, not only all your losses. I want to know about your hiding spots as a child, I want to know where you had your first kiss, who you shared it with. I want you to tell me about your marriage. I want you to let me see you. I want to give all of it back. If you let me."

When they came out of the office, Gilbert and James were still waiting. As soon as the both of them came out, they started apologizing immediately.

"I didn't anticipate it to escalate that much, I am so sorry!" James sounded demoralized. "It actually worked out. Kinda." James looked up instantly and as he saw the tired smile darting over Thomas' lips he pulled him into a hug. "Thank God", he mumbled. But Thomas could only thank him.

When they parted the French man and the Carribean were nowhere to be seen.

-

"I can never marry you."

Thomas could feel Alex eyes on him when he finally spoke the words. The other one muted the television in front of them, waiting, listening.

"I promised her I would never marry again."

With every passing day, Alex would learn a little bit more about Thomas and how he lost the love of his life on the day that should've been the most beautiful. The day that should've been his daughters birthday. Still, he could feel the question that was burning on Alex' tongue.

"She didn't make me. But I couldn't do it. I'm so-" Alexander interrupted him and gripped his hand tightly. "No, none of that. It's alright. We don't have to marry. Just...stay with me? Promise you won't go."

In return, Thomas squeezed his hand tightly and couldn't help but notice how they didn't fit into each other. Alexander's fingers were crooked and stained with ink from all the times he held onto a pen as his only rescue, much shorter than Thomas' own.

His palm was rough and left a cavity between in and Thomas' soft one. There were other places for these hands, places they could never reach again. The both of them had lost their soulmates and they could never get them back.

But it was all good - they had each other.

 

**»Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, and trusting them not to.«**

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Ending. Boom.  
> This started out as a shitty oneshot. What happened.


End file.
